Breakdown
by oltlfantimes10
Summary: John finally lets go of all the built up aggression he has towards Evangeline


John's POV

I sit in Capricorn sipping my beer listening to Natalie rattle on about Jessica coming back to Llanview pregnant and with some mental disorder that her mom suffered from. That explains why Antonio went a little loco and flew all over the country looking for her. She grabs my hand and holds it, looking down at it wrapped in my hand it looks off. Something isn't right about it, I force a weak smile as she moves closer to me. Then the door opens and our eyes lock.

This is the third, nor the fourth, god no the fifth time I've seen her with him. This Dr. Phil man is getting on my nerves. I can't believe she is out showcasing him around town. I pull my hand out of Natalie's and set it in my lap as she walk around our booth and they head to the bar. I admire her from a far and I hate it. She is supposed to be with me, she was supposed to love me, stay with me, and marry me. I squeeze the neck of my beer bottle as I watch his hand travel down her lower back and she doesn't move it. That's where I put my hand damn it! I can feel my heart racing and my head is starting to pound.

Natalie is still rattling on about something but I can't understand her, all I can see is that man's hands on my woman. He doesn't know her body, her heart, her beautiful heart, and her soul like I do. I'm the man that is supposed to be wrapped in her arms. I close my eyes trying to force the images of her legs wrapped around my waist from my mind. I swallow the remainder of my beer and signal the waitress to bring me another one. I need to drink to stand being with her.

"John!" she yells at me.  
I finally turn my attention to her and see she is glaring at me.  
"Yeah?"  
"What are you looking at?"  
"Nothing, hun." I say trying to convince her.  
"Whatever, you were looking at her weren't you?"  
I lean in to see what the hell is her problem, "Who?"  
"Evangeline!" she yells through clenched teeth.  
Both Phil and Evangeline turn and she narrows her eyes on Natalie and I try not to look in her direction, "No I wasn't"  
"Yes you were damn it!" she slams her fist on the table, "You are with me now! Stop looking at her, you dumped her remember?"  
That's it, I'm sick and tired of everyone in this damn town thinking that I dumped her. I would have never in my life left that woman on my own. "I DIDN'T DUMP HER SHE DUMPED ME!" I yell so loud that the crowd in the club including Evangeline and Phil turn and look at me. Right now I don't care who is looking, it's apparent that everyone needs to know our business, "SHE DUMPED ME NATALIE!" I scream again and pound the table.

I watch as the girls face starts to contort and she starts crying. I'm sick of this, this was not supposed to happen. She was supposed to stay with me so I wouldn't have to do this with her! I glare at Evangeline and throw money on the table and storm out. I can hear Natalie calling after me, but I'm sick of trying to make her happy, when I'm not.

I walk through Angel Square and sit on the bench the first place I ever met Evangeline when I hear the heels of her shoes clicking on the hard ground. I can't deal with her now. She did this to me. "What!" I yell as she comes around the corner.  
"Don't take that tone with me!" she hisses.  
I glare at her and she does the same to me. She isn't backing down from this, "What the hell was that John!" she yells getting in my space.

I take a whiff of her perfume and I grab her and kiss her hard. I feel her trying to pull away from me but I won't let her go, not now not ever. I roughly part her lips with my tongue and try to kiss her deeper when I feel her push me so hard away that I stumble backwards. I look up and watch her wipe her mouth like she's disgusted with me. I'm disgusted with my self. "What the hell is your problem?" she says trying to straighten her dress.

"You!" I yell back.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You're my problem."  
"Ohh No, we aren't going there John." I watch as she tries to walk away and I run and grab her arm spinning her back towards me.  
"We are going there! You did this to me?"  
"What?"  
"You made me go to her!"  
I watch as she glares at me with hate in her eyes. I don't care because right now I hate her, I hate her with so much inside it hurts. "You left me!" I scream.

She tries to struggle from my grasp but I won't let her.  
"John let me go." She cries.  
"No, you need to hear this. You're the one that always gets to do the talking, well you know what it's my damn turn. You were supposed to stick with me. You promised me that you would stay with me." I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes as I tell her everything that has been bottled up inside since she up and left me.  
"You were supposed to stay with me, comfort me. Damn it you saved my life and then you walk away like I didn't matter."  
"John…"  
"No let me finish. I had this wall up around my heart and you came in and took a sledgehammer to that wall and worked yourself in there. Then when it gets rough you run, you leave me to fend for myself and take my heart with you! I hate you Evangeline for making me feel again."  
"John stop it!" she says trying to push me away.  
"No! I blocked my heart from hurt after my dad died then Caitlyn worked her way in. When she died I put up higher walls and some how you found your way in. They died that's why they left me, that's why the two people that I loved more than life it's self left me. But you! God you! You came into my life and took my heart and soul and you left on your own accord. I didn't lose you to death, I didn't lose the one person that made me whole again to death you left me because you wanted too!"

"I did no such thing you bastard! I left you because you couldn't love me John." She has finally pushed me away and we are both pacing back and forth in the park. I try to hold back tears but it isn't working. "You came into my life and we got so close, that I fell in love with you. How was I to know that the one person that I loved so deeply could never love me back!"

"I do! Damn it. I do!" I scream, "Why can't you see that I do!"  
"You never told me John, I'm not a damn psychic."  
"I came to you for help, I came to you because I can't lose another person that I love so deeply that I would most likely shut completely down if you left me, and the first thing you do when everything gets rough is you leave me. I told you Evangeline, I told you so many times what people I love leaving me does and yet you still ran from me!"  
"You pushed me away!"  
"No I didn't!"  
"Yes you did. You went running to Natalie as soon as we broke up."  
"That's your fault."  
"You're blaming your relationship with Natalie on me." She asks shocked.

God this isn't working right. No, no, no…. "NO!" I say staring at her, "Yes, No hell I don't know. All I know is if you stuck with me, if you loved me like you said you did then I wouldn't have to be with her! Do you know how much I hate being with her. Trying to make that girl happy, it's killing me inside. It kills me seeing you around town knowing I can't come to you and kiss you, I can't come to you for comfort, I can't make love to you, I can't hold you and caress your hair and face." I say placing my hand on her face.

She steps backwards, "See that's what I'm talking about! You keep flinching pulling back from me. I need you damned why can't you be with me?"  
"John…" she says softly, "You did this to us! You couldn't tell me if you loved me, but you could sure tell her! That's why I can't be with you."  
"I tried to tell you, I try to tell you every day that you are with me. You pushed me away when I needed you the most. I came to you telling you I couldn't lose you and that I needed you, but you couldn't say the same thing."  
"What?"  
"You may have told me that you loved me but you pushed me away Evangeline. You wouldn't let me touch you, hold you, make love to you when I needed you the most."  
"You honestly think I would let you make love to me when you can't say the words?"  
"But you, you can say the words but you can't show me?"  
"That's right, and you may think you are showing me but you can't say the words. Why can't you say the damn words? That's what I needed from you John. I would have stayed with you, worked with you whatever plagues you but no you told that child that you loved her!"  
"Well I don't Evangeline. I don't I never could and I would never want to. I go through the motions with her, but in all honestly I'm thinking of you. Wishing I was holding you. Do you know I haven't laughed in months accept when we were together. I can't laugh with her, I'm not even happy."  
"She seems happy."  
"Good, that's what Cristian wanted. He wanted her to be happy, and for her to be happy she wanted me so I gave myself to her to fulfill a stupid promise to her husband."  
"You aren't happy John?"  
"Happy with her? You're the only one that can make me happy Evangeline. I never felt so safe, so secure so able to be myself until I was in your arms."  
" But, you couldn't tell me that you loved me John. I don't think you even love yourself."  
I fall back on the bench and wipe away the tears that are falling down my cheeks, "I don't… you're right I don't love myself. I can't."

She comes and sits next to me and holds my hand. God she feels so good. I bring her hand to my face and relish in how her skin feels against my face, "I've missed you, I need you Evangeline. You are my life. If I needed a complete blood transfusion you would still be in my veins. Please don't leave me." I say crying harder.

I can feel she wants to pull her hand away but this is what I need, "I need you to love yourself John."  
I blink and look at her, "What?"  
"You want me back?"  
"Yes!"  
"Love yourself and then you can love me, and we can start to work our way back to each other. Find out what holds you back from me, what makes you run and push me away when we get closer and closer."  
I nod my head, "I need you to help me. I can't do this on my own, I need you and only you."  
"I told you that I would stick with you, it may not be how you saw it, but I am with you John. I will help you as much as you need me to. But you need to know that I don't fully trust you yet and I can't be with someone that I don't trust."  
I look up into her eyes and see she is telling the truth. She looks so sad so broken, like I feel. I touch her cheek lightly afraid that she will pull back but this time she doesn't. I take a deep breath and lean my head in to hers and we touch foreheads and noses. I need this woman, I will do anything to get her back. "If I do this, will you come back to me?"  
"I can't guarantee that John, but I will be with you through this, but don't fight it John. If you really truly want me back I need you to love yourself, be the man I know you can be."  
"For you, For you I will do anything." I say in a whisper. It's the truth, I may have to be dragged kicking and screaming to whatever it is going to take to heal my wounds to be the man that she deserves because I need her and I need her love to make me whole. I feel her lips brush against mine on their own; I didn't have to force her to kiss me.

The kiss is soft and tender but it is what I need right now. I can feel the love she has for me in her kiss. I pull back and look at her. We both have tears in our eyes and she smiles at me. Her smile lets me know that everything will be okay, "Everything will be okay as long as I have you." She whispers as she runs her hands through my hair.


End file.
